By Neal Clement, AFA OutReach Director
October 1995 – What makes the sex addict struggle with pornography and other sexual addictions? Is it a vicious cycle? Was he sexually abused in his past by someone he trusted, or did he have needs as a child that were not being met? Did he grow up isolated and confused about his sexuality because of a lack of communication or was he just never hugged?
Most of the time all of these factors are true. In a survey done on 2,000 sex addicts, 81% of them said they had been sexually abused. To make matters even more intense, 81% of the wives had been sexually abused also. So what develops is a needy person married to a needy person. When these two marry, who takes care of them? They surely can’t take care of one another.
Needs are an important thing to an individual growing up but more importantly, having those needs met is a major key to living a normal, carefree life.
There is a direct correlation between being a sex addict and emotional needs not being met as a child. By this I mean, did the sex addict grow up always sharing thoughts and feelings with his dad? Did they participate in many activities such as hunting, fishing, golf, tennis, working on cars, or just talking on a consistent basis about important situations in their lives? If they didn’t fill that void in their life they may fill it with pornography and other sexually inappropriate materials and acts. Our culture may teach young men that love is equal to sex.
Most of the time I hear sex addicts say their fathers were workaholics, perfectionists, TV addicts, and non-talkers during their growing up years. A large percentage of the men coming to AFA workshops were exposed to porn by their fathers. How are you supposed to learn how to make long lasting male friendships if you can’t be a friend to your own father? How do you grow up knowing what you missed out on if you missed out on it? I can remember one of the men from an AFA workshop saying he had heard something in the music business that pertained to that. He said, “If your record doesn’t have the grooves, how can it play the song.” The same is true of our bonding experiences with our dads.
Here’s the good news, there is hope! The problem might have been that your dad didn’t know what your needs truly were. It might be that as a child of God, he didn’t have his needs met either, or that he is a sex addict also. So, now what have we created? It seems to be a vicious cycle of unhealthiness and lack of communication between the father and son involving anger combined with sexual activity as an outlet, but it can be turned around with the help of the Holy Spirit and a professional, guiding you through the steps you need to take to become closer to your dad.
I truly believe the Lord is using men, through Christian organizations such as Overcomers Outreach, Promise Keepers, and many others, to be cycle breakers for him and his work.
The answers are out there if we are willing to confront some of the fears that are attached to them. Reliving the past when a person is wounded and vulnerable can be very scary for the sex addict, but the long term rewards are astonishing and are looked at by every person in recovery as a promise from God. There is a better life and it’s waiting for you to live it with the help of Jesus. 
