Neal Clement, AFA OutReach Director, answers frequently asked questions about pornography addiction.
February 1996 – Q: What is sexual addiction and how does a person become addicted?
A: Sexual addiction is uncontrollable sexual behavior – usually in men – which can be physical and mental. The sexual behavior is an addict’s attempt at covering up pain and shame from his past – a way of escaping reality. Since the addict can’t control his sexual involvement, negative consequences are inevitable.
The process of becoming a sex addict is subtle and progressive. It usually begins with pornographic magazines, videos, phone sex, or some other gateway activity. Victims are lured deeper into various inappropriate activity, inevitably taking greater risks until suddenly their secret is uncovered.
Q: What part does secrecy play in a life of sexual addiction?
A: Secrecy and the shame connected with it is one of the key elements behind sexual addiction. The shame is what keeps reminding the addict of his deepest core belief associated with loving people around him. That core belief is: “If you really knew who I was and about my addiction, you wouldn’t love me!” This is the lie that Satan puts into the head of an addict. This belief has prevented many sex addicts from getting the help that God has intended for them.
Q: What are the effects of a husband’s addiction on his wife?
A: A wife often shoulders the blame for her husband’s addiction believing she hasn’t been able to satisfy him sexually. She often thinks that to keep their marriage together, she must keep his addiction secret. The wife often reacts to her husband’s behavior (anger, lies, and self-centeredness) in a self-deprecating way.
In addition, a wife may refuse to face her husband’s problem because she shares many of his misconceptions about relationships – mainly that sex equals love and love equals sex. She has often grown to believe that to feel love you must have sex. Even when that misconception is uncovered, it is still difficult for a wife to “rock the boat” for fear of losing her husband for good.
Unfortunately, many addicts face life-crushing experiences before they seek help. Whether it is contracting a sexually transmitted disease, being arrested for criminal acts or losing a job, the addict’s wife shares the humiliation and suffering.
Q: What hope can you offer the wounded wife of a sex addict?
A: First, know that your husband’s addiction is not your fault. His addiction has nothing to do with an unsatisfied sex life. The problem is with critical needs that went unmet as a child.
Second, know that you are not alone. Many have traveled the same road and share your pain. They want to help. Their understanding, comfort and guidance is invaluable.
Third, Christian counseling which focuses on sexual addiction is available and effective. It can help you see your husband not as a bad person trying to get good, but a good person trying to get better.
Q: Where can a sex addict and/or his wife find help?
A: Call American Family Association OutReach division at 601-844-5036. We will send you free of charge a packet of resource materials. We can also put you on a confidential mailing list to receive a monthly newsletter, The Encourager.
We also provide Christian Counseling by phone or local referral and offer workshops for sex addicts and their wives. OutReach offers assessments by phone from a certified counselor. 
