By Kathy Coats, American Family Radio Producer

“Those who sat in darkness and in the shadow of death, Bound in affliction and irons – Because they rebelled against the words of God, And despised the counsel of the Most High, Therefore He brought down their heart with labor; They fell down, and there was none to help. Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, And He saved them out of their distresses, He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death, And broke their chains in pieces. Oh, that men would give thanks to the Lord for His goodness, And for His wonderful works to the children of men.”

Ps. 107:10-15

Editor’s Note: The following first-person essay illustrates why abortion is a major issue for AFA. It not only takes an innocent life, but victimizes the mother and others in her life for years to come. Few tragedies have such negative impact on the American family.

July 1997 – This question was asked of me during my post-abortion Bible study: “Can you recall the details of your abortion procedure? Describe your feelings before, during, and after the procedure.”

Before? Scared.

During? Scared.

After? Empty…lonely… worthless…

The details. It was so long ago. I was 18. Scared. Abortions were illegal. Scared. A woman gave me medicine and put something inside my womb. Scared. It was a house, not an office. Dark. Scared. I waited in a motel room for the medicine to take effect. Scared. Pain. More pain. Darkness. Alone. Scared. A long night. Blood. Lots of blood. More pain. Scared…empty… lonely…worthless…numb.

The details are still so painful. I hurt now for the young girl I was. I didn’t allow myself to hurt then. I didn’t deserve to hurt. I didn’t deserve to live.

Later, I began to drink alcohol. I would have liked for the alcohol to take my life, but it didn’t. It didn’t matter, anyway, because I was a part of the walking dead. I was numb.

But God (I have always loved those two words.) had another plan for me. Life. And with life came a wonderful man who truly loved me. Later his love would be tested to the maximum when I told him about the abortion.

Then came other children and a home. Next came authentic life when I met Jesus face to face. No one had to convince me of my need for the Savior. I knew I was dead in my sins. So life began to grow again in my heart. This time the life that only the Holy Spirit can give.

God in His mercy placed a burden on my heart to help young girls and women experiencing crisis pregnancies. I wanted no one – no one – to experience what I had experienced, legally or illegally.

What a wonderful experience ministering to women, their boyfriends and their families. Offering and showing God’s unconditional love and acceptance. Helping with baby clothes, furniture and food. Being in the delivery room with a young girl who placed her baby for adoption. Hearing the baby cry and crying with the mother. Life. Healing. Hope. Wholeness. God making something wonderful out of something so terrible.

But even with God’s blessings, I carried in silence the scars and guilt. I assumed that I would go to my grave with my dark secret. It was great for me to help others, but who was I to be set free? I took the life of my child. I deserved only death and darkness.

Then a series of events in my family caused me to look deep within myself. When I did, I found a hurt and wounded individual. Although I had buried anger and self-contempt, I wanted to die. The spirit of death that came upon me during the abortion now rose to the surface. But now, with Jesus, I could face death and send it back to Satan where it originated, and receive the forgiveness and redemption.

After much prayer, counseling and post-abortion healing I was able to receive the forgiveness that Jesus had provided. I had asked God to forgive me, but I refused to receive that forgiveness. I wanted to atone for my own sin and in doing this I was denying my Savior and Lord.

How could I ever think that my “filthy rags” of righteousness could take the place of His blood on the cross for this particular sin? God is so merciful and longsuffering. He patiently waited on me in order to get to the end of me. He brought me “out of darkness and the shadow of death and broke my chains in pieces!”

I give thanks to the Lord for His goodness and for His wonderful works to me. He is indeed the giver of all life, whether that life is a matter of moments or decades of struggle in this human flesh. From the moment of that single cell in our mother’s womb, God breathed into each one of us the gift of life. He is the Giver. He is the Spirit. He is to be praised!