Note: The author wishes to remain anonymous, and all names used are fictitious.
April 1999 – If you had taken one look at my family when I was growing up, you probably wouldn’t have noticed anything abnormal. We were fairly wealthy, lived in a resort city, attended church and even ate meals together. My parents worked hard to provide nice things for us to enjoy.
My dad enjoyed reading a lot of books, and he subscribed to a lot of well-known magazines including Playboy. He kept them neatly stacked in a hall closet. Older issues dating back to the 1960s were kept boxed in the garage. I first looked at one of the soft-porn magazines at age 11. Some time later, I was showing a friend one in the garage when my parents pulled up in the driveway. Mom just smiled and went inside while Dad later told me, “I don’t mind if you look at them, just put them back when you’re done.” Sex Education 101 was in session.
The images of women and even the articles on being a man in Playboy defined manhood for me.
My dad and I had virtually no communication, especially about sex. I guess he thought that by browsing through his collection, I would learn what I needed to. What I was exposed to still haunts me today.
Time passed and I continued to gaze upon the sexy nude portraits month after month. Even as I was about to graduate high school, I still longed to see those images. They were the last thing on my mind before I went to sleep each night. Once in college I didn’t have regular access to my dad’s stash of mags, so I would occasionally drive to a local liquor store and buy one or two.
I became friends with some Christians my sophomore year, and through their influence and prayers, I committed my life to Christ. I didn’t struggle with pornography for about a year. But, all too soon, the memories came back and I was faced with the old temptations. Now when I went to buy a magazine, it was done in secret. When I went home for a visit, I went straight for the closet after everyone else was in bed. All the while I was known as an “on-fire believer.” Inside I was torn in two.
It was now my senior year and I met Kathy. She was a fireball for Christ and we began dating. She thought she knew me, but how could she since I wasn’t able to be real with myself or anyone else.
After graduating I went to work for a well-respected national ministry. Kathy and I got married and enjoyed things until the first year of marriage caught us by surprise. Kathy was depressed about being so far from home. I didn’t make much money working for a non-profit organization, so things were tight financially. From time to time I would get so stressed out and would need a release. Of course I had to go buy a magazine. It was where I had found my security and manhood as an adolescent. I’d usually just skim the pages quickly in our home’s bathroom, act out, and then throw the magazine away, condemning myself horribly afterward. I would vow never to do it again, but I was locked in a vicious cycle.
My wife became pregnant later that year and was taking a course at a local university. I would drive her to class and then go up to the school’s computer lab and cruise the Internet, starting at the Playboy site of course.
After our first child was born, I took another job at an even better-known international ministry. After working there for six months I was still carrying the secret baggage of unknown sin in my life. Fortunately, my junk was about to be exposed.
Our marriage was crumbling so I went to see a Christian counselor. Little did I know he specialized in treating men with sexual addictions. It didn’t take long for him to see I had some deep-rooted problems. I was eager to get this out in the open and walk free from its stranglehold on my life. For five months I attended counseling sessions and listened to a series of tapes dealing frankly with sexual addictions.
The hardest thing I did during that time was tell Kathy. She was crushed. But my counselor told me in no uncertain terms that Kathy had to know if I wanted my marriage to be restored.
She knew little about pornography and so it was quite a shock to her, even though my journey down porn’s deadly path was relatively short.
We are still working through the pain today, and I’ve accepted the fact that she may never be totally over it.
Next I told my parents and a few trusted male friends. My parents, who became Christians while I was in college, were shocked too. In fact, I didn’t get much of a response from Dad, which didn’t surprise me. Someday I hope we’ll be able to talk openly about it. Mom simply stayed passive and quiet, just as she had done while I was growing up.
Out of the eight close male friends I told, all confessed the same struggle in some form or another in their own lives. Most who were married also said their wives didn’t know. All of these men worked with me in ministry.
The greatest thing that happened through uncovering my addiction to pornography was the uncovering of me. I had lived like a double agent for the CIA, leading two lives. I was actually pretty good at it and thought I would never get caught. But God had been on my trail all along. Now for the first time in my life I am able to be real with others about the junk in my life, not just the good stuff. The sad part of the whole affair of my mind was that the fear of being found out prevented me from having honest relationships with anyone. I became a master at changing and directing conversations the moment they got too deep. I learned to use my sense of humor as a defense mechanism and kept people at bay. Everyone liked me, but no one knew me. Today I am finally living without the constant threat of someone knowing who I really am.
Tactfully and prayerfully, I try to take hold of opportunities to witness to other men who are caught in the web of pornography. I have found there are no easy answers in dealing with a sexual addiction, only daily choices. I still struggle with the temptation to browse the Internet or pick up a magazine on a business trip. Thankfully, 95% of the time I “wake up” and realize I don’t have to walk in my old ways. I also know that my wife and Christian brothers are going to ask me how I’ve been doing. Now I run to Christ for my security and my definition of manhood. I find He’s been waiting all along. 
Prosperity opens door to depravity
By William H. Smith • Reprinted from World magazine, 2/20/99
Bill Clinton kept himself focused during the 1992 election by constantly reminding himself of the central issue: “It’s the economy, stupid.” Today the roaring economy is the favorite conservative explanation for the president’s soaring approval ratings. “People vote their pocketbooks” is conventional wisdom’s answer to the question: “How can you believe he engaged in such despicable sexual conduct and then lied under oath and yet want him to stay in office?”
No doubt the unprecedented prosperity helps explain it. When you’ve got plenty of money in your pocket, you can tolerate a lot of things. And surely you don’t want to rock the boat that delivers money and the things it buys.
But ultimately it’s not the national economy but natural depravity that explains the mood of the country. Ronald Reagan was less cynical but no less wrong than Bill Clinton when he affirmed the fundamental goodness of the American people. By nature we all want to have whatever kind of sex we want with whomever we want whenever we want. By nature we all want to lie whenever lying is to our advantage. Remove the restraints and, “Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them” (Romans 1:32).
There are three things that restrain the practice of depravity in a society and none of them is working very well in America at the end of the 20th century. The first is the conscience that testifies to universal standards of right and wrong. Paul described those who do not have the written revelation of God’s law, yet who “do by nature things required by the law” and “show that the requirements of the law are written on their hearts, their consciences also bearing witness, and their thoughts now accusing, now even defending them” (Romans 2:14-15). But the conscience loses its effectiveness as it is muted, distorted, and silenced by repeated indulgence in depraved desires. Watch a risque sexual comedy movie from the early ’60s and compare its underlying mores to those displayed in an 8 o’clock sitcom on television today. Society’s conscience says little to condemn the president’s behavior.
Second, civil government can restrain the tendencies even of the calloused conscience by commending those who do good and punishing those who do wrong (Romans 13:1-5). That requires the enactment and enforcement of laws, but politicians will not enact laws they don’t approve, and authorities cannot enforce laws that lack sufficient public consensus. For instance, in most states, laws governing sexual behavior, marriage, and divorce now reflect the reign of the sexual revolution, which – though restrained somewhat by the fear of disease – rages on. Private behavior between consenting adults is nobody’s business, and, if nobody’s business, then why should anyone be expected to tell the truth about it? Civil government more undermines than reinforces God’s standards in matters of sex and integrity.
The third restraint is the church, which has a unique role as the recipient, preserver, and proclaimant of God’s revelation in His Word. What the darkened mind perceives at best dimly and partially by the light of natural revelation, the church sees clearly and fully in the blaze of the Bible. But the church – yes, the evangelical church – has lost her clarity, conviction, and courage. She can’t bring herself to say that God has absolute, timeless standards for human life that reflect the beauty of his holiness. She shrinks from telling people that they are depraved sinners, unable to change themselves and deserving God’s judgment, which they will surely receive. She is unable confidently to proclaim the only good news – that salvation from the mess of sin comes only from the righteous life and propitiatory death of Christ. The church can’t help to restrain sin because she is dispensing empathy and therapy rather than declaring law and gospel.
Mr. Clinton’s high job approval in the polls accurately reflects the depravity that must prevail when conscience is suppressed, civil government is amoral, and the church is silent. It’s not the economy, stupid; it’s the depravity.
