By Ron Deal, M. MFT.*
April 1999 – The need is real. And the call for help is coming from every side. Most recently it came to me from a church elder with a question I’ve heard many times before, “What do we do? How do we help these people?” Apparently, a trusted friend had told him about a specific ministry I have developed to stepfamilies, and he decided to come by and talk. “This couple is separated,” he continued. “He complains that she is too tough on his kids, while she feels that his children are a greater priority to him than she is and that he doesn’t discipline them enough. We don’t know what to tell them. How do we help?”
His question strikes a familiar cord for church leaders and family ministers who don’t understand the needs, dynamics, and challenges of stepfamily life. But they’re not the only ones. Stepfamilies themselves are notorious for entering stepfamily life with one set of expectations, only to discover that a stepfamily can’t function like a biological family. Roles change, rules for how to interact vary, and loyalties are stretched to the limit, not to mention the challenges of cooperating with another household regarding child visitation, discipline, and family events.
The Challenge.
I liken the challenges of stepfamily living to putting together a 3-D jig-saw puzzle without instructions and without a picture on the box to show what the final product should look like, while blind-folded! Perhaps that’s why nearly 60% of second marriages end in divorce (the rate is even higher for third and subsequent marriages). But we’ve got to do something. Consider the following statistics:
➤ 46 of every 100 marriages today is a remarriage for one or both spouses.
➤ Approximately 1300 new stepfamilies are formed every day.
➤ By the year 2010 there will be more stepfamilies in the U.S. than any other type of family.
➤ One out of three Americans is now a stepparent, stepchild, step-sibling, or some other member of a stepfamily, and soon that number will be one out of two.
Despite these realities, stepfamilies remain one of the most neglected groups in churches today. In fact, I’m not sure we even know there’s a problem. But we better hurry to respond or we’ll find ourselves on the outside looking in. Now more than ever, stepfamilies are looking for 1) educational programs to equip them for successful living; and 2) churches that show care and a redemptive spirit. They need help and want to belong. And you can help.
What you can do.
➤ Learn all you can about stepfamilies. Write or E-mail me and I’ll send you a reading and resource list of helpful books, web pages, and Bible course curriculum.
➤ Talk with stepfamilies in your church and community. Listen to their stories and felt needs. Ask them to help you start and coordinate a support group or class effort.
➤ Modify your pre-remarriage counseling programs to address the hidden challenges of stepfamily life. Couples need to know what lies ahead.
➤ Sponsor a “Building A Successful Stepfamily” seminar. This week-end event:
1) Sends a message of “welcome” to stepfamilies and is an excellent bridge event to your community;
2) Provides practical information on successful stepfamily living;
3) Helps participants develop a Personal Integration Plan and gain resources in the 90-page seminar manual;
4) Helps churches launch a support group following the seminar; and
5) Equips church leaders to better minister to stepfamilies.
We cannot ignore the call for help anymore. Even before attending a stepfamily seminar, one woman wrote me, “Thank you so much for addressing such a needy and neglected population of our spiritual brethren. We need help so desperately!” 
* Ron Deal is Family Life Minister for the Southwest Church of Christ in Jonesboro, Arkansas. He is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Certified Family Life Educator. For a seminar schedule or other information:
Phone 870-932-9254
E-mail [email protected].
Internet www.betterlife.org
