An anonymous testimony
October 1999 – I sat gazing out the plane window overlooking the city where I would attend a workshop for wives of sex and pornography addicts, wondering what to expect. Having been a preacher’s wife for over 30 years, I felt embarrassed and humiliated, and was angry with my husband for my needing to be there in the first place. I was sure that was no place for a Christian’s wife, much less a preacher’s wife! When the plane landed, I took a deep breath and headed to the terminal where I was to meet a woman I didn’t even know to carpool to our destination. As we waited for other participants to arrive, we began to get acquainted and were shocked at how easy it was and how much we had in common! By the time our entire group was there and we reached our destination, we were totally amazed at how much we had in common and how much we had already bonded! And do you know what, their husbands were Christians – and some were church leaders too!
We arrived at the complex where the workshop was to take place and were directed to our rooms. It was soon time for our first group meeting. We learned what to expect during our time there and were divided into small groups where we could safely talk openly about our individual problems and receive priceless support and direction. Then, some of the staff began to share their stories and, lo and behold, they had also been in similar situations. During this meeting, we sang praises to God and heard encouraging scriptures and prayers on our behalf, which gave us hope. Early the next morning, we were back at it, where we met in a collective group for lectures, group praise and worship, and more sharing by the staff. A couple of times a day, we met in our small groups where we were encouraged to unveil the secrets and hurts we had kept locked inside. It was difficult for some of us to pierce through that thickened, tough skin that we had developed to protect ourselves from extreme hurt and to be able to start revealing those things that hurt us so badly, that were stuck in there, digging into our souls! It was extremely painful and traumatic, but so very therapeutic and healing. The group leaders were compassionate, and the other group members were empathetic and supportive.
Each woman had her own story, but woven through each one were “threads” of the same colors, portraying very similar tapestries. Common threads seen there were love, commitment, disappointment, loneliness, confusion, fear, low self-esteem, panic and pity. The woven tapestries revealed women who were withdrawn, skeptical, hurt, sad, desperate, defeated and angry.
A couple of things presented by the staff were particularly interesting and helpful to me. First is to “be aware of the spirit within us.” I wrestled myself half to death for over 30 years trying to get a “handle” on my situation – to know what I should do regarding my marriage. I thought I was seeking the Lord’s help but kept on trying to work it out myself, wondering why He didn’t help me. It wasn’t until a couple of months before this workshop that I reached the end of my rope and in desperation cried out to the Lord, telling him I could not take any more; that I had to get out. Believing that adultery is the only reason for divorce, I prayed for God to take my life or my husband’s life – or whatever it would take to dissolve our marriage. That’s desperate! Within a week after that, I overheard a late night conversation between my husband and his mistress, of whom I had been unaware! After confronting my husband about that conversation he admitted that he had had an affair with this woman and also that he had been addicted to pornography throughout our marriage! For the first time, a lot of things made sense – and I realized I wasn’t crazy after all! If we just let God have control and pray for his guidance and leave it there, “trusting” and “watching” for Him to reveal what we need to know, how much more peaceful life is!
The second thing that was so helpful to me was to become more aware of my relationship with Jesus Christ. To know that I am the “bride” of Jesus Christ! He is my husband! I have spent so many lonely hours needing to be intimately loved by my earthly husband and have missed out on the ultimately intimate love of my Lord and Savior. He wants to talk to me any time I will take the time to listen! He will listen anytime I want to talk.
I need to get my priorities straight and put the emphasis where it belongs. Most likely, the rest will fall into its proper place when I do that.
I am grateful to all of the staff and the women who shared their lives with me. They made a difference
in my life. 
The workshop described above was not conducted by Esther Ministries, but by most of the same staff who now conduct Esther workshops.
