By David Cooper*
Reprinted with permission from Evangel, 2/99
September 1999 – God intended marriage to be a decisive, total commitment of unconditional love to the person with whom we choose to spend the rest of our lives. But today marriages are breaking up at an alarming rate and with an unprecedented intensity. Did you know that the average duration of a marriage in the United States is 9.4 years, that every 27 seconds a couple divorces, totaling approximately 7,000 divorces per day, affecting some 10,000 children? Divorce rates have doubled since 1965, according to statistics, and demographers project that half of all first marriages will end in divorce, as well as 60% of all second marriages. Also, marital stress costs Americans $2.9 billion a year in lost work and productivity.
Why do so many marriages fail? While many factors could be cited, perhaps the main reason is the loss of understanding of marriage as a covenant relationship. We tend to think more of marriage as a ceremony, a custom or a contract than as a covenant.
After listening to couples pour out their marital frustrations and disappointments in countless counseling sessions, I am convinced that the lack of covenant commitment lies at the heart of most fractured marriages. To put it frankly, most couples have made contracts instead of covenants.
What’s the difference? A contract involves demands and expectations, bargaining and negotiation. A contract is a 50-50 proposition. But marriage does not work very well as a contract. In fact, the modern-day contractual approach to marriage has failed miserably. As James Q. Wilson of the University of California, Los Angeles, observes: “Marriage, once a sacrament, has become in the eyes of the law a contract that is easily negotiated, renegotiated or rescinded. Within a few years, no-fault divorce on demand became possible, after millennia in which such an idea would have been unthinkable. It is now easier to renounce a marriage than a mortgage; at least the former occurs much more frequently than the latter.”
A covenant marriage, on the other hand, is one based on unconditional love, the willingness to sacrifice your needs for those of your spouse, and a steadfast commitment, regardless of what it costs to keep that commitment. Marriage is not a 50-50 arrangement; it’s a 100% giving of yourself to your partner without counting the cost, expecting nothing in return, no strings attached. When you do, you will find yourself in the joyful pursuit of trying to outgive each other. And you’ll end up getting more than you ever imagined possible.
In most marriages today equality is the operative word. When marriage functions as a contract, the husband fulfills his role and responsibilities if his wife does the same and vice versa. As a result couples find themselves making such statements as “I’ll meet you halfway,” “I’ll give in if you’ll give in,” or “I’ll change if you’ll change.” The key word is if. Their commitment is conditional.
The problem is, contracts invariably break down. Someone fails to live up to his or her end of the agreement. When this happens, the couple quickly discovers they don’t have a perfect marriage.
God designed marriage as a covenant relationship based on the unconditional giving of ourselves to each other. Covenant love is selfless, even as Christ pleased not Reprinted with permission from Evangel, Himself. Covenant love serves, even as Christ washed the feet of His disciples. But most importantly, covenant love is sacrificial, even as Christ laid down His life for us. It is love on a cross. Without sacrifice—the giving up of the needs and desires of the self for the other – there can be no covenant.
The concept of marriage as a covenant is based on God’s relationship with His people. In the Old Testament, Israel is referred to as the bride or wife of Jehovah (see Isaiah 50:1; 54:4-6; 62:4, 5; Jeremiah 2:2; Ezekiel 16; Hosea 2:16-20). In the New Testament, the church is called the bride of Christ and is portrayed as “a bride beautifully dressed for her husband” (Revelation 21:2). And Paul the apostle concluded his celebrated passage on marriage by writing, “This is a profound mystery – but I am talking about Christ and the church” (Ephesians 5:32).
This provocative interplay between God’s covenant love for His people and the relationship of a husband and wife provides a clear picture of the marriage covenant. Although a covenant and a contract may appear to be the same, they are, in fact, polar opposites. The word translated “covenant” in the Bible is never used to describe a mutual treaty or a contract. A covenant does not consist of a negotiated agreement between two parties, as in the case of a contract. Nowhere in the Bible does covenant mean “mutual treaty.”
God’s covenant to humanity is a free gift of His love. So it is with marriage. A husband and wife unconditionally give their love to each other in a covenant as opposed to negotiating a contract. The marriage covenant, then, is an agreement or promise made by one party to another, on the basis of unconditional love, which the other party may either accept or reject but may not alter.
Think of marriage as a braid of hair. At first glance a braid of hair appears to be made of only two strands. Small children try to braid hair first by using only two strands. Of course, a braid cannot be woven out of two strands – three are required. The same is true of marriage. At first glance marriage appears to be made of only two people – a husband and his wife; but for a marriage to truly be successful, three must be present – a husband, a wife, and God himself. He is the third strand of the braid. And Ecclesiastes 4:12 says, “A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” Only God can enable us to love with covenant love.
The ultimate goal in a covenant marriage is to give ourselves freely and unconditionally to each other as partners for life. Only in covenant can we lose our rights and still experience happiness. The happiest couples are those who are engaged in an endless pursuit of trying to outgive each other. The question is, how do we put covenant love into practice? Jesus tells us how in no uncertain terms: “Do to others as you would have them do to you” (Luke 6:31). We call it the Golden Rule. I call it the best-kept secret of success because it spells out the meaning of covenant love.
Jesus calls us to take the high road of covenant love – a love that does not reciprocate when others do not treat us well but rather transcends what they may or may not do, even to the point that we overcome evil with good. This often demands the love of God in our lives in great measure. But Jesus promises outstanding returns: “Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap” (Luke 6:38, NIV). The return when we give without expecting in return will far outweigh the gift we give purely for the sake of receiving.
What about your marriage? Are you operating on demands and expectations? Do you negotiate with each other to get what you want? Do you have a secret wish list of expectations that keeps you in a state of dissatisfaction with your partner?
Or do each of you give yourselves freely to each other, no strings attached? When you experience disappointment or hurt, do you respond quickly with forgiveness or do you harbor resentment? Do you treat each other the way God treats you?
The covenant approach to marriage may sound too good to be true – maybe even beyond reach. But let me encourage you to rise above the spirit of the age that defines marriage as just a legal contract and take the high road of covenant living. 
* David Cooper is senior pastor of Atlanta’s 500-member Mount Paran Church of God (Cleveland). To obtain a copy of his new book, For Better Not Worse, contact the Mount Paran Bookstore toll-free at 877-MT Paran or [email protected].
