Teddy James
AFA Journal staff writer
February 2012 – Fran walked into the counselor’s office looking distraught. She had tried to “fight the good fight” all on her own, but now she was too weak. She had had enough and needed help. “What can I do for you Fran?” The counselor asked.
“I need help,” she began, “I feel like my husband and I are in trouble. He is gone every night, he never has energy for the kids and he has no time whatsoever for me.”
The counselor responded, “So you think he is having an affair?”
“Yes. I feel he is having an affair with the church.”
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Fictional Fran’s dilemma is not uncommon. Thirteen percent of pastors have been divorced, many because their wives felt second-class behind the church. Pastors are regularly torn between shepherding the flock and their own families.
H.B. London, vice president of pastoral ministries for Focus on the Family, told the AFA Journal, “I talk to women all the time who say they feel like the second wife because their husbands expend so much energy on the church and not enough at home.” In his book Pastor’s at Greater Risk, London writes that 48% of pastors think being in ministry is hazardous to family well-being and 33% describe ministry as an outright hazard to their families. So how is the pastor to fulfill his two roles? Is it possible to hit a balance?
“I don’t use the word balance much,” said London. “I use management. When you look at 1 Timothy 3:4, it says to manage your household well, it doesn’t say to balance your household well. There are going to be times when everything is out of balance and that’s when you have to be careful. There will be days when ministry will have to come first; other days family will come first. There is no tried and true way to do this.”
London suggests that there are principles that will help. First, the pastor must realize he is not Superman. He cannot fly from event to event, disaster to disaster without a break. God thought rest was important enough to devote a day to it: the Sabbath.
“I think every pastor needs to determine when his day off will be,” London said. “He needs to consider what the most advantageous day will be for everyone. Monday may be great for him, but it may not be what the family needs most. I think every pastor, whether bivocational or full-time, needs a day and a half off. My idea is to take a Thursday or Friday instead of a Monday. I think you need a half-day off on Saturday just to be with your family.”
Develop a system
Another key idea is time management, a discipline that’s particularly important in the life of a bivocational pastor. London states, “Many pastors are not organized. They have not developed a system of study, recreation, exercise, quiet time or a schedule the family can depend on. Every home needs a structured, dependable schedule. It will have to be altered from time to time due to emergencies, but every home needs a schedule.”
Having a schedule is easier said than done. With visitation, counseling and countless meetings, how can a pastor develop such a schedule and stick to it? The first idea comes from Scripture. In Exodus 18, we get to hear some godly counsel to Moses from his father-in-law. Jethro tells him in verses 21-23 to “[S]elect capable men from all the people” and appoint them as judges or officials over thousands, hundreds, fifties and tens. He goes on to say this would be most advantageous for Moses and all the people. In the most basic of terms: delegate.
The pastor does not and should not have to be at every event and meeting. Not only is that being a bad steward of his time and energy, it also does not allow other believers to step into leadership roles. Therefore, being the pastor who has to be at everything, or expecting the pastor to lead everything, hurts the pastor, his family, potential leadership and the congregation as a whole.
Whether the pastor is serving in a full-time or bivocational capacity, one of the most important principles is for him to remember his family. No matter how many churches a pastor may serve, he will only have one family. He is held to a high accountability for the way he pastors his family. Also, the pastor has to find time with his family for his health. London said, “Pastors are going to be fatigued most of the time. That is a reality. If you’re going to survive, you have to find time for family that is exclusive of ministry.” London also notes, “When a pastor fails to remember his wife and children are the most important members of a congregation, he has a tendency of making excuses for not giving them adequate attention. The point is, your family is not your main ministry because, sometimes, there will be a person who dies or is in a critical situation and your family is going to have to take a second or third place. But you should never lose sight of their significance.”
The last principle helps with delegation and management. If the pastor does not clearly define acceptable expectations for his ministry, the church will. If he does not set the expectations the church should have, the church will set the expectations for him. Also, be honest with family and set the expectation level for them as well. Explain to children that daddy won’t be able to make every inning of every ball game. No minister’s wife should be led to expect a romantic dinner on an anniversary only to have her husband locked away in a meeting. If meetings are already on an established calendar, plan for the anniversary dinner on another night.
Be open, honest
Truly, no matter how many principles a pastor has in his life, things will sometimes go haywire. Life has a way of getting in the way of our perfect plans. So what is the pastor to do when he is overwhelmed, on the brink of burn-out while his wife feels neglected and his children feel ignored?
The best thing is to be honest. Tell the family there will be seasons they feel this way. Prepare them for it. But also make a plan. Make a plan to take the family on a weekend getaway when the crises are over. In the meantime, talk to them. If you have to miss a ball game, sit and talk with your kids when you all get home. London recounted, “There were several times I was at the beginning or the end of a game. After the game, I would sit down with my children and ask them about it. ‘What did you do best? What do you need to work on?’ I would ask them. And get your spouse to help. You have to be on the same page with her. If the child hears the couple arguing about whether you as a pastor and father can or cannot do something or be somewhere, it will cause confusion in the child’s mind.”
Above all, the pastor should make sure his family understands his call. London notes, “If the family is not a team and does not understand the significance of the call on the pastor’s life, there will always be conflict and chaos. If the family understands the call in the pastor’s life, they will adapt to it. If they do not buy into the fact that Dad has a higher level of responsibility than most other dads, there will always be a certain level of conflict and tension.”
Each pastor should also have an Aaron. For many pastors, a good wife is a perfect Aaron. She is there to call him out when he gets lazy or feels sorry for himself, but she is also there to offer encouragement and hold up his arms when he is too exhausted to do so himself. If a pastor cannot find an Aaron close by, or he just needs some extra encouragement or an ear of someone who has been there, www.Parsonage.org is an excellent resource. As the Focus on the Family entity’s symbol suggests, Parsonage.org seeks to be an Aaron to every pastor. Its desire is to be a pastor to pastors. It also has ministries available to ministers’ wives and children.
Finally, no matter how many Aarons surround a pastor or how many principles he follows, if he never examines the motives of his heart, it will be God who is ignored instead of family. Each pastor must search his own heart to discover if he is working to build an empire with his name on the city gate or if he is trying to build into the Kingdom of God by ministering to those who cross his path.
Are you pursuing a pat on the back, the biggest church on the block, a bigger paycheck or more time on the golf course? Or is your primary motivation hearing those words all saints long for, “Well done, my good and faithful servant?” 
Great expectations
ADAPTED FROM PATRIC KNAAK • World Harvest Mission • www.whm.org
One of the most unhealthy expectations any congregation can have is that their pastor can and should meet everyone’s needs. This takes a number of forms including:
• The pastor as “church management expert,” expected to sort out any pastoral, theological, organizational or financial issue at hand;
• The pastor as “always present,” who is expected to be at every ministry, social, and outreach event; the pastor as “on call, 24-7,” where days off, study time, and vacation are all subject to the needs of the congregation.
This view fails to recognize the essential truth that pastors are fallen human beings. They simply can’t meet every need, attend every meeting, or forgo normal work/rest patterns. Ministers are finite, broken people who need Jesus the way they need air.
Our ministry with pastors and missionaries works hard to help them see that if they are driven by others’ expectations, instead of rooting their identity in Christ (which is established by what Jesus has done, not by how well they perform in ministry), they will never be able to serve their congregations well.
A more biblical way to think about this is to realize that pastors are really “undershepherds.” Ultimately, Jesus is the one true shepherd for every congregation. He is the one who will meet and supply everyone’s needs. He is the one leading the church. He is the one expanding His kingdom. Embracing this reality makes it much easier for congregations to see their pastor as a fellow believer, repenter, struggler and encourager. It also frees the pastor to be the kind of leader Scripture calls him to be – one who constantly points people to Jesus.
