By Amy Brown* as told to Ken Walker, Reprinted from Pentecostal Evangel
January 1994 – I married with the joyous anticipation of life with a Christian husband. Because of pornography I suffered four years of humiliation before my husband deserted us.
I lived a nightmarish existence that—had God not protected me—would have ended in my death. I sat in church thinking, If only people could see what’s going on. But I didn’t know who to tell or where to turn.
We entered marriage as Christians. I had been saved at a summer camp at 13; my husband, about nine months before we were married.
Growing up in a Midwestern town of some 20,000, I led a sheltered life; my mate was literally the boy next door. I had no idea of what lay ahead after our wedding when we moved to a large metropolitan area.
Our first four years together proved wonderful. We joined a church and got involved in neighborhood groups, times of sharing and spiritual development.
I completed my teaching degree and tutored learning-disabled students. Robert* attended specialized training after military service and became an engineer at a large plant. He worked hard and earned a handsome salary.
Our problems began after I quit work to give birth to our first child. With only one income we faced budgetary restrictions, and the responsibilities of fatherhood and home started weighing on Robert’s mind.
About this time he began stopping at pornography shops and X-rated theaters after work. Since he never brought material home I had no idea. The truth wouldn’t surface for years.
Gradually he became cold, distant, and verbally abusive. He criticized me endlessly for the 10 extra pounds I carried from the pregnancy: “Your tummy’s not as flat as the other women I see . . . you’re not so attractive.” Two years of such comments damaged my self esteem.
His behavior escalated to extremes. One moment he would be pleasant, then without warning turn demanding, ruthless, and unreachable.
In the third year of his slide he grew sexually abusive. While never physically beating me, he raped me numerous times. No begging or pleading could stop him. He called me other women’s names. Worst of all was knowing he didn’t care. He no longer looked at me as a person, but as an object for his pleasure.
The abuse finally peaked when he told me, “This is the night I’m going to see if you’re woman enough for me.” He went into a rage— his eyes turned red and he breathed like a madman. “You don’t deserve to live,” he fumed. “You’re going to see your Maker.”
My robe lay next to the bed. He grabbed it and yanked out the belt. Wrapping it around my neck he began choking me.
I prayed and the Holy Spirit gave me peace. I could hear my favorite hymn, “In the Garden.” It seemed like I was on the outside of this situation looking in, as the song filled my mind.
Suddenly my husband let go of the belt and fell over, crying like a baby. When he did, I grabbed my robe and ran to our neighbors’ house. Seeing the red marks on my neck, they called the police. When they arrived minutes later, my husband sat calm and collected.
After the Lord saved me from this attack, I soon learned I was pregnant with our second child. After hearing of my pregnancy Robert disappeared. Before he left, he mentioned not wanting to stop at X-rated theaters, but his car would “just pull into the parking lot.” I was praying he would turn his life back to God.
When our divorce was final, he told me, “I’m doing you a favor by getting out of your life. You deserve better.”
Nevertheless, his condition worsened. One night while I was at work, without the court’s permission he left with the children in the car. I was notified late that night the children were found in a sleazy part of town locked in the car, while he visited an X-rated shop. I know God protected them. Twice my ex-husband broke into our townhouse.
God has become so real to me over the years. Despite the pain, His guidance, provision, protection, and love overcame it. I believe He helped me survive so I can speak out for the other women (and children) who are silently suffering from their husbands’ addiction to pornography.
This sin is prevalent within the church. In fact, I left one congregation because the pastor refused to take a stand against it for fear of offending someone. He asked me, “What am I supposed to do, say, ‘All you men addicted to porno, meet in room 202 after the service’?”
Over the years I have talked with many Christian women who are victimized, from being ignored to being forced to do things against their will.
One of the saddest commentaries is the church’s apathy. One discount store leader brags that as long as he keeps prices low, Christians keep coming, even though he sells pornography.
At one statewide decency rally, two seminary students related being advised to visit porno theaters “to see what’s out there.” Their professors told them it was an acceptable form of “release” that could help bring marriages back together.
Two pastors told me, “Hard-core pornography is wrong, but don’t take away my Playboy.”
The first step is for Christians to be educated about the seriousness of pornography and admit we have a problem. Because this evil has been in our midst so long, much research has been done on the stages of this addiction. Help is available. And God is able to deliver us from the pain of pornography.
For women who are victims remember: It’s not your fault and you are not alone. 
* names have been changed
