Part 2 of 2.

By Pat Centner, AFA Journal staff writer

April 2002 – On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your marriage – a 7? Perhaps a 5, or maybe even a 2? Your answer will likely depend on many factors, such as how many years you’ve been married, how you handle the day-to-day problems you face, how you argue, and how good a friend you are to your mate. How you argue? Yes. 

Interestingly enough, marriage experts say it’s not a question of if you will argue (healthy couples do) – it’s how.

In Part One of this series (AFA Journal 3/02), Dr. Daniel W. Zink of St. Louis’ Covenant Seminary articulated how changes in our culture over the past several decades have drastically altered the American mindset about divorce. Other experts nationwide agree. David Popenoe of the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University asserts that the long-held models of family makeup are slowly dissolving. 

The proof of the pudding is reflected in statistics recently released from a Census Bureau study showing that roughly half of first marriages for people under 45 end in divorce. The average length of these first marriages is eight years. In addition, twice as many men born between 1945 and 1954 have been divorced at least twice, as compared to those born between 1925 and 1934 (22% and 11%, respectively). The percentages for women are about the same. 

What’s even more mind-boggling is the new phenomenon of brief, childless marriages between couples in their mid-20s. These “starter” marriages, as they’re called, are described in a book by 27-year old divorcée Pamela Paul, who says she was “mesmerized by the romantic idea of marriage and blinded to the reality.” 

Sadly, Christian marriages are not exempt from these cultural trends. “Christians who divorce may suffer more emotionally because of the guilt they feel, but they still divorce,” says Zink. “Today’s believers must be willing to make some life changes from both a spiritual and practical perspective in order to reverse the trend toward divorce.” 

When Dr. Zink was asked what practical indicators couples can look for as warning signs that their marriage might be headed for divorce, he referred to the writings of two American professors: John Gottman, Ph.D., of the University of Washington, and William J. Doherty, Ph.D., of the University of Minnesota.

For 16 years, Dr. Gottman, author of Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, led the most in-depth and innovative research ever conducted on the subjects of marriage and divorce. After studying thousands of married couples, he can now predict whether a couple will stay together or go their separate ways after watching and listening to them interact for as little as five minutes. His accuracy score averages 91%.

Gottman’s carefully analyzed research revealed several behavioral patterns that are present to some extent in all marriages, but more pronounced in dying ones.

The Killers
Harsh Startup. Involves a spouse who, when discussing a marital problem, launches into personal accusations and sarcasm against their partner, rather than the problem itself. 

The Four Horsemen. Negative behaviors that, if practiced continually, can be so lethal to a relationship that Gottman calls them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

1) Criticism – An occasional legitimate complaint about one’s spouse is normal. But while a complaint addresses a specific action, criticism attacks the individual.
2) Contempt – Beyond criticism, contempt includes name-calling, sneering, mockery and hostile humor. It poisons a relationship because it conveys disgust. 
3) Defensiveness – Rarely causes the attacking spouse to back down or apologize. Instead, the defending party usually reverses the blame, creating a no-win scenario.
4) Stonewalling – An emotionally overwhelmed partner (usually the husband) tunes out and sits passively without saying a word or acknowledging his spouse.

Flooding. One partner is so overwhelmed by the other’s negative behavior that the focus becomes guarding against the flood of emotional stress the onslaught causes.

Body Language. A racing heart, perspiration, adrenaline release and mounting blood pressure all accompany flooding. Clear thinking and problem-solving are negated, and the ‘fight or flight’ response kicks in. A marriage with frequent flooding usually ends in divorce.

In his book, Take Back Your Marriage, Dr. Doherty says when one or both partners begin dwelling on what they’re not getting from the marriage, thinking, “This isn’t the person I thought I married,” and/or comparing their marriage to other imagined relationships, trouble is brewing. 

Doherty also mentions the risk many couples take when they quit being a spouse and become a parent. The children become all-important and all-powerful, and the marriage relationship is cast by the wayside. 

The Marriage Formula
After studying all those couples in his Seattle “Love Lab,” Dr. Gottman came up with an amazingly simple formula for what makes a marriage work: Keep the negative thoughts and feelings you have about your spouse from overwhelming the positive ones.

Interestingly, Gottman was unable to crack the code for saving bad marriages until he began to analyze what went right in happy marriages. His resulting seven principles not only guide a couple in coping with conflict, but strengthen the friendship that is at the heart of any marriage. 

Renewing life
Principle 1: Enhance your ‘love maps’ (that part of your brain where you store the relevant information about your partner’s world.) Learn and discuss each other’s goals, worries, and hopes. Celebrate important milestones. Especially stay in tune after children come.
Principle 2: Nurture your fondness and admiration. When familiarity breeds contempt in your marriage, it’s time to focus on the character traits and abilities that caused you to be drawn to your mate in the first place. Verbalize your partner’s positive aspects and nurture them.
Principle 3: Turn toward each other instead of away. During the monotony of daily life, keep your romance alive by letting your spouse know he or she is valued. Care about what matters to him or her, and show it!
Principle 4: Let your partner influence you. Gottman says many a man has been derided by his wife for not including her in important life decisions. Consequently, she feels he neither cares about nor wants her opinion. Studies prove that marriages where a husband willingly accepts the influence of his wife are four times less likely to end in divorce. 
Principle 5: Solve your solvable problems. There are two types of marital conflict: perpetual and solvable. Sixty-nine percent are perpetual. The key is to recognize and approach them with a sense of humor. Many conflicts are solvable, however, and Gottman offers five helps: 1) Soften your startup (women especially); 2) Make and receive repair attempts; 3) Soothe yourself and each other; 4) Compromise; and 5) Be tolerant of each other’s faults.
Principle 6: Overcome gridlock. Stop trying to solve a seemingly unsolvable problem. Instead, acknowledge it as an ongoing sticky issue that you will likely be able to someday discuss without hurting each other.
Principle 7: Create shared meaning. Marriage provides the opportunity for you and your mate to create an inner life together – one that honors both of your values, beliefs, and dreams. Be supportive of each other’s needs, and find ways to honor the differences between you. 

Zink and Doherty add other helpful insights. They both speak to the need for renewing and nurturing the friendship that originally brought you together as a couple. Dr. Zink mentions, “In a study I conducted with happily married couples, I asked them, ‘What makes your marriage work?’ I expected them to talk about the kids, good sex, stuff like that. Instead, they mainly talked about the friendship they continue to share – that, and keeping a good sense of humor. 

“The willingness to truly forgive each other is also key to a successful marriage,” says Zink. “But Christians have to be careful in this area. We know the Bible says to forgive, so we rush into it without dealing with the root cause of a problem. I believe to really forgive, we must face the hurt straight up and deal with it openly and honestly. Then we can let it go and move on.” 

Just as important, says Gottman, is to forgive and accept yourself, warts and all. This paves the way to acknowledging that many of the criticisms directed at your mate are partially a cover-up for your own self-doubt (an emotion we all experience). Since expressions of praise negate the power of criticism and contempt, Gottman suggests you spend each day purposely naming the blessings for which you are grateful – not the least of which is the person with whom you have chosen to spend your life.