Randall Murphree

AFA Journal editor

March 2010 – Whether it’s the death of an aging parent who has suffered for a long season, or the sudden accidental death of a young child, grief has a way of putting us all on common ground. Still, everyone who has lost a loved one has his own unique journey through the valley.

Over the last few years, pastor/author Richard Exley and his wife Brenda have lost three of their parents and one of Exley’s closest friends to death. Exley talks about grief from every angle in When You Lose Someone You Love, a small volume of comfort for those who grieve, first published in 1991.

After discovering the book’s 2009 re-release by David C. Cook, AFA Journal asked Exley to give us some insights into grief and how to find hope even in our deepest sorrow.

AFAJournal: Is there any way to prepare for losing a loved one?
Richard Exley: Experience has shown that most people grieve the same way they live. If you have lived a life of faith, one grounded in the Word of God, and you have surrounded yourself with a network of family and friends you will be prepared for whatever loss you suffer. This will not eliminate the pain but it will give you the strength to transcend it.

AFAJ: Why does grief sometimes seem so physical, and not just emotional?
RE: Grief is an emotion and, like all emotions, it stimulates physiological responses in our bodies. Science has shown that emotions like anger or fear cause our bodies to release chemicals that prepare us to fight or to flee. Stress often manifests itself as a “pain in the neck.” That’s one of the reasons we often describe difficult people as a “pain in the neck.” Being a powerful emotion, grief produces strong physiological responses in our bodies. Grieving is hard work and is both physically and emotionally exhausting.

AFAJ: How do we avoid bitterness when a loved one dies “prematurely” or unexpectedly?
RE: Anger is almost always part of the grieving process, especially when a loved one dies prematurely. If the grieving person can tell God how he is really feeling, especially the feelings he thinks a Christian shouldn’t have, he is well on his way to moving from anger to acceptance.

Anger turns to bitterness when we bottle it up. It may be helpful to remember that God can only heal the things we give Him. Anything we deny or repress is beyond the reach of His healing grace. Also we need to remember that moving from anger to acceptance is often a process rather than a single event. We will need to confess our angry feelings to the Lord each time we experience them and give Him permission to change the way we feel.

AFAJ:How can deep grief and true joy co-exist in a believer?
RE: This is part of the mystery of God’s grace. Although I can’t explain it, I have experienced it. I often counsel grieving people to embrace their honest emotions – both the grief and the joy. Truthfully I don’t know how we could bear our losses if God did not season our grief with joy. We are not talking about a giddy happiness but an undergirding joy that only the Holy Spirit could give. Maybe this is part of what Jesus was talking about when He said, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”

AFAJ:How does deep grief change us?
RE: How grief changes a person depends on how he responds to it. If the grieving person blames God and becomes trapped in anger and bitterness he will likely become a prematurely old and bitter person. On the other hand, if one turns to God in the hour of grief, God will redeem sorrow by giving him not only comfort, but also an enlarged capacity for compassion and a new empathy for others.

AFAJ: What can a Christian do or say to help a grieving friend?
RE: Usually the less we say the better. Our presence is much more powerful than anything we can say. Just being there is the most helpful thing we can offer. An arm around the shoulders, a squeeze of the hand, is what the grieving person needs most, especially early on.

Remember, there are no words that can restore the departed person to life. Neither are there any words that can take away the pain death has caused, so don’t try to fix things. You can’t. Just weep with those who weep. On a practical level we should offer to take care of some of the mundane details of daily life – offer to pick up the laundry or bring a meal. Run whatever errands need running or drive the kids wherever they need to go.

AFAJ: What should one not say or do?
RE: Don’t talk about a loss you have suffered as a way of trying to identify with the grieving person. Doing so serves only to trivialize his grief. Don’t say, “I know what you are feeling…” You don’t know what he is feeling. You may have suffered a similar loss but that doesn’t mean you know what he is feeling.

Even when grieving people ask questions it is usually not answers they are seeking but assurance. Intuitively they know there are no answers but they want to be assured of at least three things: 1) that God cares, that He is suffering with them; 2) that God is near, that He will never forsake them; and 3) that God will redeem their tragedy, that He will not allow their suffering to be wasted.

It is critical that we allow grieving persons to set the agenda. We must minister to them at the point of their need. Sometimes they just need to vent so we must be prepared to absorb their hurt and anger without rebuking them. At other times they will need to affirm their faith so we must be prepared to encourage them. Make sure you leave your agenda at the door and allow the grieving person to direct the conversation.

AFAJ: You say the time comes when one must “take control” of his grief. Can you offer one or two simple steps to help this process?
RE: By “taking control” I am referring to directing one’s grief, to making it work for you rather than against you. For instance, I often encourage a grieving person to write a letter (or a series of letters) to the departed loved one recounting a special memory they shared. I also ask him to write a brief prayer thanking God for that life experience. This changes the focus of grief from the loss he has suffered to gratefulness for the life they shared.

AFAJ: How does one measure his progress in recovering from grief?
RE: I often describe the experience by comparing grief to the ocean tides. Immediately following the death of a loved one, the tide of grief comes rushing in like a storm surge and it stays for a long time. When you’re grieving, you often feel like you are drowning. Slowly the tide goes out and you relax a little, but before you’ve had time to draw a deep breath, the tide of grief comes rolling back in. This goes on for many months, often for as long as two or three years.

Over the course of time you will notice that the tide of grief does not come in quite as far, nor does it stay in nearly as long. Little by little you realize that you are having more good days than bad days, that the tide of grief is going further out and staying out longer.

Isaiah 49:13-16 is one of many Bible passages that have sustained me during the dark hours of grief. The promises of God are the soul’s compass, enabling us to chart our course even when the smothering fog of despair tempts us to doubt the Father’s goodness.    

Richard Exley has been pastor, author and evangelist for more than 43 years. He and his wife Brenda have led more than 200 marriage conferences. For more information, visit www.RichardExleyMinistries.org or call 479-789-5371.

 Exley’s 32 books include A Man of Valor, The Making of a Man, Intimate Moments for Couples and Encounters With Christ.

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Recommended resources
• Facing Death and the Life After by Billy Graham
• When You Lose A Loved One by Charles Allen
• Confessions of a Grieving Christian by Zig Ziglar
• Mourning Song by Joyce Landorf
• After the Storm, a CD from Music for the Soul (www.musicforthesoul.org; 877-298-9081). MFTS is a Nashville-based Christian ministry providing audio and video resources for the hard seasons in our lives.

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American Family Radio on-air personality J.J. Jasper and his wife Melanie lost their five-year-old son Cooper in an accident last July. J.J. shared some of their insights into grief with the AFA Journal:

Someone has rightly said there is no greater pain on this planet than that of a parent losing a young child. This is still a new journey for us. Sometimes, when we’re holding each other between sobs, we say, “How does anyone go through this without God? Without the Word of God, the people of God?”

Some who have lost both a spouse and a child have told us there’s no comparison – losing a child is harder. I don’t want to downplay anyone’s grief. Everybody’s grief is deep and important. We know we’re not the only ones suffering.

It’s easy to see, while this is still so raw, why people turn to drugs or alcohol or even suicide. The grief is overwhelming. It’s as low as you can go – emotionally, spiritually and physically. You sink past the threshold of a pain that you can’t wrap your brain around.

Emotionally, we finally hit bottom. And there, we found the good news – the bottom is rock solid. The bottom is the Lord Jesus Christ and His Word. His promises really are true. His grace is sufficient. He gives a peace that surpasses all our understanding.

Because of the body of believers, God’s mercy and grace have been amplified in our lives through this experience. The Lord has given us strength to make it. And if He helps us, He can help you, too.

We don’t expect to ever get over the grief, but with God’s help, we’ll get through it.