Rusty Benson

AFA Journal associate editor

May 2012 – “Many men will insist their dad’s inattention has had no great effect on them. Trust me – they’re lying. Boys need fathers like trees need trunks. I’ve seen strong and sturdy 60-year-old men weep in sight of the empty space where a dad should have been or at the indelible marks left by tyrants who posed as fathers. So much in a man’s life can be traced back to the father – good and bad.”*

What does a real man look like? Hollywood says he resembles the fearless Marshal Rooster Cogburn in True Grit; or the flawed but noble antihero Harry Callahan from the Dirty Harry movies; or the assassin-cum-victim Jason Bourne of the Bourne movies. Take your pick. All are strong, confident, competent, aggressive, virile, and in the end, they get what they want.

So what’s the problem with that? According to one pastor, Hollywood’s portrayal of masculinity is as unbiblical as its popular opposite – the neutered, androgynous, metrosexual. In his new book, What Every Man Wishes His Father Had Told Him, Byron Yawn says Christian fathers should chuck both stereotypes in favor of the real thing – Jesus.

Yawn, pastor of Community Bible Church in Nashville, Tennessee, has a personal stake in the issue. He’s the father of three children, including two sons. In addition, he knows the value of a dad’s influence, having been fatherless twice.

Yawn offers 18 compelling essays that encourage fathers to look to Christ and His Gospel as the means of preparing their sons for the inevitable rough terrain that leads to true biblical manhood.

In a recent interview, Yawn explained to AFA Journal how the Gospel undergirds true masculinity and why a father’s guidance at eight has everything to do with his son’s decisions at twenty-eight.

AFA Journal: The cover illustration of your book suggests that it is a book about the importance of fathers in the lives of their sons. But inside, readers are also going to find a lot about the Gospel. How is the Gospel relevant to fatherhood?
Byron Yawn: I try to demonstrate that the circumstantial and behavioral issues your children will face in school or marriage or work are not the real problem. The root problem is their own fallenness and sin. The Gospel is the solution to those problems. I’m trying to teach fathers to teach their sons that a Christian never moves beyond his need for the Gospel.

Giving him the Gospel and helping him understand its application to every part of life is like running beside your son’s bicycle as he is trying to learn to ride. There comes a time when he has to take it on his own. When I watch my son pull away from me, I think that if I have given him an example in myself and a passion in his own heart to love and pursue Jesus, that will at least curb many of the issues that he will struggle with in his life.

I don’t want to give my sons the same old dangerous message of “try harder.” In the midst of their struggles, I want to encourage them to hit their knees, repent of their sins, yield to the Spirit’s power and be broken before God.

AFAJ: What is the goal of Christian fatherhood?
BY: The goal of fatherhood is to give your children the awareness that they need Christ.

The father's role is to speak into his son’s life and help him understand the contours of his own soul. The boy who is never shown his sin and his need for the Gospel is likely to turn into the man who is still trying to figure out who he is 50 years later.

Do I want my sons to be productive adults? Yes. Do I want them to contribute to the culture in positive ways? Absolutely. But I can do those things by living vicariously through them in sports or pressuring them to achieve financial success. I can burden them with all kind of moralistic overlays and never touch their hearts.

AFAJ: Contrast what the world considers masculine and what the Bible considers masculine.
BY: The Bible assumes masculinity rather than defines it. It assumes a difference between men and women. And within that assumption there is a range of expression.

I love the recovery of masculinity in the church against the notion of an emasculated spirituality. But that has nothing necessarily to do with Christian masculinity. We might applaud loyalty, commitment, sacrifice, courage, devotion and zeal for God as elements of Christian masculinity. But an Islamic terrorist who is going to fly a plane into the side of a building has those same qualities.

So, there is a bigger question than what is biblical masculinity and it is this: What does the heart of a man look like when Christ invades and breaks it? The answer involves weakness and servitude, lowliness of mind and love.

Yes, I want my sons to be courageous, but I think the most courageous thing they can do is admit that they are cowards and flee to Christ.

AFAJ: I suppose that is why a Christian can look like William Wallace (courageous Scottish freedom fighter) in some circumstances and at other times be flat on his face in repentance.
BY: That’s the beauty of the Gospel being the center of masculinity. It allows for the guy with the pocket protector, plaid shirt and computer to be masculine, and also the guy out living in the wilderness. One can write a computer program, the other can dress a deer, but both are servants.

AFAJ: What encouragement can you offer to the guy who reads the book and concludes that he’s the worst father in the world, but he wants to do something about it?
BY: Any man who acknowledges that is on his way to becoming the best of fathers. Such repentance of his failure is the best starting place for a widespread impact on his sons. There is nothing more effective than a father repenting and asking the forgiveness of his children. That, in and of itself, is spiritual leadership.

AFAJ: What about the dad who may have done a good job at fathering when his son was younger, but now his little buddy has turned into a snarly, grouchy, rebellious teenager, and Dad suspects that he is out drinking, partying and all the rest? What hope can you give that dad?
BY: If you are surprised by your son’s rebellion, then you probably didn’t do as good a job of fathering as you think. Because of the universality of depravity, a father shouldn’t be shocked when his son does stupid things.

Sure, there must be accountability and confrontation and boundaries and consequences. But the real hope is that Dad has laid a foundation in his son’s life that makes his son progressively more self-regulating.

Fathers have to begin a conversation early and keep it going through that period of rebellion. Then at some point, Dad moves from being a guardian to a coach.

AFAJ: And whether that happens has everything to do with conversations about his heart that began years before the rebellion.
BY: Here’s the difference in dealing with the heart and dealing with the law. One night I walked into my son’s room to give him a goodnight kiss. As I walked in I noticed a flash of light and realized he was texting someone. I turned on the light and asked him if he was texting. He said he was. I said, “You know you are not supposed to be doing that.”

By then, I had the iPod in my hand. As I handed it back to him I said, “Well, if that’s the way you want to live, son … but just let me ask you one question. What does your father want you to do?”

He said, “Oh, that’s easy – not text when I’m in bed.”

I said, “Why don’t you do that and live in the freedom of your father’s love?”

That’s what we want our rebellious teenagers to realize. We should not be trying to restrict their lives, but give them freedom. There is nothing more liberating than realizing that there is a God in heaven who put his Son to death in order to prove His love for us. That is the freedom that leads to real biblical masculinity.  

*Excerpted from What Every Man Wishes His Father Had Told Him. Copyright (c) 2012 by Byron Forrest Yawn. Published by Harvest House Publishers, Eugene, OR. Used by permission.

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For information about how to form a multigenerational men’s ministry in your area or church, go to http://thetrajectory.org.