Teddy James

AFA Journal staff writer

February 2013 – When Sarah volunteered to help her mother clean out Nannie’s bedroom, she knew it wouldn’t be an easy task. 

It wasn’t long before she spotted the old trunk where her grandmother kept her photo albums. Involuntarily, tears welled up. She found the album with the cordovan cover and opened it to the single photo that documented Nannie and Papaw’s wedding. Her dress was beautiful. Papaw had donned his Army Air Core dress uniform. 

On the facing page lay a sprig from the bouquet Nannie had held on that day in 1945. For nearly 70 years, the pages of the album had been working to flatten the discolored rose.

“Nannie and Papaw always seemed so happy,” Sarah said to her mother. “I bet they never fought like Fred and I do.”

“Trust me,” her mother said reassuringly, “they had problems too, just like we all do.”

• • • •
Bert Harper knows that Sarah’s mother is right. For nearly four decades he and his wife, Jan, have been helping couples address issues in their marriage. 

Harper said that while every family is different and the details of their problems may be unique, much of his counsel focuses on five areas of potential trouble. He addresses these five issues at AFA’s CPR for Marriage Conferences, which he leads as AFA director of marriage, family and pastoral ministries.

Communication
It is no secret that men and women communicate differently. Harper believes understanding the different ways men and women communicate is vital to a healthy marriage. 

“Everything in your relationship stems from communication,” he said. “To be specific, look at how you argue. When you argue with your spouse, don’t use ‘You always’ or ‘You never’ statements. If a husband is upset that his wife is late, he should discuss that with her and stick to the issue of being late, never making her the issue. Simply refusing to start a sentence with the word you in an argument can make you both stay calmer and have a more productive discussion, whatever the issue is.”

Another piece of practical advice Harper gives for communicating with a spouse is to ask yourself, “Am I listening to answer or listening to learn when my spouse is speaking?” Harper says, “It changes how you hear what your spouse is saying, your body language while listening and your response when it is your turn to speak.”

Finances
No one enjoys sitting at the kitchen table and going through the family finances. Harper advises, “Someone needs to take the lead, and that person doesn’t have to be the husband. It needs to be a spouse, don’t let your kids run free with the debit card, but it can be the wife or the husband. It needs to be the person who is more detail-minded and better with numbers. If God has gifted a wife with a mind that can easily deal with numbers and is great at balancing checkbooks and knows when the bills should be paid, by all means let her handle it.

“But that doesn’t let the other spouse off the hook. There should be weekly budget meetings. This accomplishes several things that build a healthy marriage. One is that it makes couples discuss finances before an emergency comes up. It is also preparation in case something happens to the spouse who is responsible for the checkbook. I’ve seen men whose wives have passed away and they had no idea when bills were due or where to pay. They were shocked and had no clue where to begin.

“Lastly, it gives the spouse not responsible for the finances an opportunity to show gratitude toward the one who is. Communicate that gratitude before the meeting by making a pot of coffee you can share while discussing things.”

Relationships
An old story tells of a married couple having a fight while on a road trip. After several heated moments, they both fell silent. When the car had been quiet for 10 minutes, they passed a farm with a herd of pigs lounging about. The husband nudged his wife’s arm, asking, “Family of yours?”

“Yeah,” she said, “in-laws.”

Marriage is not just the union of two people, it is the union of two families. When two families are injected into this dynamic, friction is going to happen.

Conflict also occurs when a child fulfills Scripture by leaving the parents and clinging to a spouse. Parents and children have to learn the new boundaries of their relationships. 

Harper says, “In my experience, it’s often harder for men than women. Women get their last names changed, so there is an external change that can be seen. For guys, the change is more subtle because he has to learn how to continue honoring his parents while leading his own family.

“When Scripture says that a man is to leave his mother and father, that doesn’t mean he is no longer in relationship with them. It means that he doesn’t answer to them anymore. The same holds true for wives. A married person now has someone more important in his or her life, someone who plays a more pivotal role in life than the parents.”

With that realization, controversy is likely to happen. Harper’s most practical advice is that, “If the husband’s mother is being too invasive, it is his responsibility to talk to his mother and not put his wife in that position. If the wife’s parents are causing problems, she should address them and not make her husband.”

Intimacy
Culture has so cheapened the perception of marital intimacy that some Christians are uncomfortable talking about it even in the correct context. But sex is a healthy and beautiful part of any marriage.

Harper says, “I am a big believer in Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages. What I love about that book is that, at its core, it’s about communication. Chapman wants you to discover your love language and that of your spouse so you can hear and speak in the most beneficial language for the strengthening of your marriage. If a husband starts loving his wife in her language, she will respond. But it basically boils down to communication.”

Spirituality
The Bible is clear about who has the responsibility for spiritually leading the family. Husbands should lead by following Christ. Harper says, “A man’s family should hear him pray aloud for them, both individually and as a family. A man also has the responsibility of communicating the gospel and the love of God to his family on a daily basis. He should be the pastor of his family.”

That truth does not diminish the spiritual role of the wife. She is to prioritize her personal relationship with Christ and live it out consistently as well. Harper imagines their relationship as a triangle with the husband and wife at the bottom two points and Jesus at the top. As the two spouses grow closer to Jesus, they also grow closer to one another.  

Bert Harper and his wife Jan have developed a five-session seminar for marriages. The vision of the Harpers is to go into local churches presenting the CPR for Marriage. They do the traveling so couples don’t have to.

To host a seminar in your church or to find the closest seminar in your area, visit www.repairingthefoundations.net or call 622-844-5036 ext. 302.

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CPR Schedule
February 10-11 – Walnut Street Baptis,t Jonesboro, Arkansas
February 17-18 – Auburn Baptist, Tupelo, Mississippi
March 15-16 – Meadowood Baptist – Amory, Mississippi
April 12-13 – Golden Central Baptist – Golden, Mississippi
May 17-18 – Great Falls, Montana

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Recommended resources
Break Through by Tim Clinton and Pat Springle – How to love and set effective limits so everyone wins in your relationships. Available at afastore.afa.net

When Sinners Say I Do by Dave Harvey – An honest look at the impact of sin in marriage and the power of the gospel to overcome it. Available at online and local book sellers.