Finding the right help

By Tim Wilkins*

September 2005 – Locating an experienced counselor who will help a person overcome unwanted same-sex attractions can be a long and arduous task. 

Because this form of counseling is “politically incorrect” among many counselors, strugglers and/or their family and friends need to know how to investigate and secure a counselor who shares their belief that freedom is possible. 

When I am contacted by people needing counseling for homosexuality, I immediately refer them to an Exodus International ( member ministry in their area. 

Sometimes distance makes this unfeasible. But simply picking up the phone and making an appointment with the first counselor to answer can be a horrible mistake. Also, while calling one’s pastor for a referral is helpful, oftentimes he may not know whom to suggest. Thus, I have specific guidelines for those seeking such help.

Go through the Yellow Pages and begin calling counselors. Do not assume that the designation “Christian” or “Biblical Counseling” means what you think it means. When you get a counselor on the phone, say, “I need help for someone who is experiencing anxiety regarding same-sex attractions.” 

Do not say, “I need help for a man/woman who is experiencing unwanted same-sex attractions,” because you do not want to tip your hand with the word “unwanted.” By using the word “unwanted,” you are telling the counselor up front that the struggler wants freedom – thus allowing the counselor to modify his  comments in order to get another client in the door, even if he does not believe in or advocate freedom. (If you get an answering machine or a receptionist, leave your phone number for them to return your call; do not give details.)

After this brief introduction, immediately ask this diagnostic question: “What approach do you take with such a client?” Say nothing more. Wait in complete silence for their response. If the counselor asks a question before responding to your question, politely but firmly repeat your question with a slight variation, perhaps like, “How do you go about dealing with such a person?” 

Maintain control of the conversation. After all, you made the phone call. Refuse to be drawn into answering qualifying questions. If the counselor cannot or will not answer your question, say, “Thank you for your time,” and end the call.

If the counselor is candid and says he deals only with the homosexual’s anxiety (as opposed to the homosexual’s desire to be free), again politely end the call. He is not what you are looking for. 

If the counselor’s answers are solidly Biblical, press further. If the counselor uses Biblical terminology, but comes across with simplistic answers such as, “I teach him how to trust the Lord,” or “I share the Gospel and tell her to repent,” again politely end the phone call.

What you want to hear is a lucid, compassionate, Biblical response that homosexual behavior is sin and freedom is possible through Jesus Christ. When you get the appropriate response, ask what books he has read on the subject and how much experience he has had counseling in this area.

Listen for book titles such as: Someone I Love is Gay, by Bob Davies and Anita Worthen; Coming Out of Homosexuality, by Bob Davies and Lori Rentzel; Homosexual No More, by Bill Consiglio; Setting Love in Order, by Mario Bergner; Homosexuality and the Politics of Truth, by Dr. Jeffrey Satinover; Out of Egypt, by Jeanette Howard; Unwanted Harvest? by Mona Riley and Brad Sargent; Straight and Narrow? by Thomas Schmidt; Loving Homosexuals as Jesus Would, by Chad Thompson; or any of the following three books by Joe Dallas: Desires in Conflict, When Homosexuality Hits Home, or A Strong Delusion

These books are classics advocating change for the homosexual. If you continue to get positive responses from the counselor, set an appointment for you or your loved one.  undefined 

* Tim Wilkins is a former homosexual who formed Cross Ministry (; phone: 919-569-0375), through which he reaches out to homosexuals with the transforming truth of the Gospel. He is married and has three children.