May 2017 – “We can’t wait till the children are out of the house, and it’s just us again.” Many couples say it longingly. Thus, the children’s ditty, “First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes [daddy or mommy] pushing a baby carriage” often holds true, not just in the natural sequence of events, but in order of the succession in which each event becomes the priority in a couple’s lives. But marriage and parenting experts warn that after the children have moved out is too long to wait before enjoying a healthy and thriving marriage – and the children themselves bear the negative consequences.

A January 2017 study reported in the journal Demographic Research found that, once they become parents, couples in the U.S. spend less time together than do their counterparts in Spain and France. In fact, U.S. parents spend an average of three hours and 52 minutes a day parenting alone – nearly double the time the other parents spend alone with their kids.

With children under age 10, U.S. couples spend an average of 208 minutes a day together with a family and 46 minutes a day exclusively alone with each other. Moreover, they spend 387 minutes a day apart from each other, and that does not include paid work time.

More of a parent
Parenting expert and unorthodox Christian psychologist John Rosemond has reached similar conclusions through his own informal surveys. In the DVD seminar The Problem with Child Psychology, he describes how he has asked hundreds of audiences to estimate how much time they spend in the role of husband or wife and how much in the role of mother or father.

“The average has been the same in every single audience,” he says. “Under husband/wife, its 10% of the time; under father/mother, 90%.”

In the DVD, Rosemond describes himself as one of the last generations raised by parents “who were more husband and wife with one another than they were mother and father,” thus fulfilling the biblical principle in Genesis 2:24 of being one flesh.

“[Now American parents] have slipped into roles that are secondary rather than primary, and these secondary roles are, in fact, not biblically affirmed,” he says. “…In the last 45 years, the marriage-centered family has been replaced by the child-centered family.”

The National Marriage Project reveals in the 2012 paper “The Date Night Opportunity” that “spouses with children at home reported spending nearly two hours less per day together than did those without children at home,” which was associated with two times higher likelihood of a decline in marital quality, compared to parents who did not reduce their couple time.

What matters to children
Ironically, one of the most damaging effects of concentrating attention elsewhere than on one’s spouse and marriage is the negative impact on the children.

A 2016 U.K. study from Marriage Foundation found that married couples who went out for a “date night” regularly from the time their child was 9 months old were less likely to divorce by the time that child was age 11. The odds of splitting up for those “dating” couples was lowered by 14%, although the same benefit did not apply to cohabiting couples – who were 57% more likely to break up regardless.

The ill consequences of parents who have split up or were never married are well documented.

“A child of divorce, or very similarly out of wedlock or cohabiting parents, is three times more likely to become pregnant as a teen or be expelled from school; five times more apt to live in poverty; six times more likely to commit suicide; twelve times more likely to become incarcerated,” Mike McManus of MarriageSavers told AFA Journal.

On the other hand, parents staying together in a marriage they value is the “best news in a child’s life,” according to Rosemond. “There is nothing that gives a child a greater feeling of security and wellbeing than the knowledge that those two people, the most important people in his life, are in a committed relationship.”

Heather Larson, relationship coach with Focus on the Family’s National Institute of Marriage and coauthor of marriage and parenting books, agrees that there is nothing more beneficial parents can do for their children than to prioritize their marriage.

“You’re giving them two gifts: [parents] with a strong healthy marriage, and modeling for them how to have a strong healthy marriage when they grow up,” she said. “But probably the most common problem for couples is really prioritizing marriage. How do we take time in our busy society, and really kid-focused culture, to take good care of our marriages?”

Doing couple time
As simple as it sounds, couple time does not always come naturally out of a happy marriage. In fact, it can be a key instrument in building more marital happiness. The National Marriage Project weighed relational quality based on the amount of time couples spend one-on-one and found that spending frequent couple time together more than doubled or tripled happiness with the marriage, satisfaction with communication, sexual satisfaction, and commitment among both husbands and wives.

Focus on the Family’s Marriage Institute stands behind the value of date nights in achieving stronger, more secure marriages and families. It hosts many initiatives and resources to foster marriage success.

Erin Smalley is a marriage strategist and spokesperson for Marriage and Family Formation.

“People think that when the kids are older and gone, the marriage is going to be there ready and waiting,” she told AFAJ. “But the truth is we have to make daily choices and continue to build into our marriage. It’s a living entity that has to be fed and watered.”

Smalley’s husband Greg is vice president of MFF. The Smalleys’ Little Book of Great Dates helps couples get started with easy ideas for keeping up with their marriage. They urge couples to do something new and adventurous on their dates, and include topics to explore that will facilitate better connection between husband and wife.

“The research shows that we’re spending four minutes per day at a deep, heartfelt level of conversation, and that just isn’t enough,” Erin Smalley said. “People assume they know all about their spouse because they’ve been married 10, 15, 20 years, but the truth is we’re constantly changing. So as we date in marriage and do new things, it ignites the part of the brain that was ignited when first dating.”

Whatever new research or theories may bring, nothing tops a happy marriage for producing a happy home and happy children. Neither parents nor children can afford for it to slip between the cracks.   

Helpful websites
▶ John Rosemond
rosemond.com
704-860-4711

▶ National Institute of Marriage
nationalmarriage.com
866-875-2915

▶ Marriage Savers
marriagesavers.org
301-978-7105

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Resources
▶ Get three hours worth of wisdom with AFA Cultural Institute’s John Rosemond’s Parenting Set on four DVDs that include topics such as the seasons of parenting, proper discipline, parental leadership and authority. Purchase at afastore.net, 877-927-4917

▶ Rosemond’s radio program, Because I Said So, airs weekly on American Family Radio Saturdays at
5:00 p.m. CST.

▶ Little Book of Great Dates, Greg and Erin Smalley